Berlin, 2019.

I’d completed my training as a birth doula and was eager to start taking on clients. I dreamt of being woken up at 3am to squeeze the hips of labouring women and welcome new babies into the world.

Life, however, had other plans for me…

“Go to a strip club.” Spirit told me.

I was dancing on the floor of my then-boyfriend’s bedroom while he watched me from his bed. I had been dancing on my own for about an hour when he came into the room, saw me dancing and pleaded his case to stay and watch.

“Sure.” I told him, nonchalantly, but my presence shot out of my body and suddenly I was in my head, acutely aware that I was being observed. I lost my flow.

On my own, I felt free… but being watched, I felt stuck… shy.

That’s when the voice dropped into my head: “Go to a strip club.”

I laughed it off but it came back.

“No, really! Go to a strip club. The women there have access to something you don’t. They are your next teachers.”

The mission was set. When Spirit calls, there’s no pushing back.

I was nervous of course, but there was also a distinct flavour of quiet excitement dancing on my tongue. The idea of being seen in my sensuality - of owning it - excited me as much as it terrified me.

After a week of courage-building - dancing in front of my mirror, wondering if I could actually do this - I found a club that was hiring and went for an interview.

When I entered the strip club, my eyes widened and my jaw dropped at the sight of the women, sleeking about in their beautiful lingerie; dripping in sensuality and oozing confidence. I watched these women prowl around and drink up the adoration that flowed to them endlessly. They moved like wild cats, with an air of power and mystique; a knowing of their magic.

These women had something special and they knew it. Everyone in that club knew it; that’s why they were there - to bathe in the radiance of the sirens.

I wanted it, too.

I wanted to slither around on that stage, swirling my hips and breathing life into everyone in the room with my every undulation. I wanted to be celebrated for the parts of myself I’d been taught to hide; the parts I’d dip into when no one but the Goddess herself was watching; the parts I relished by candlelight on rainy nights alone in my room.

I sat down for my interview. “I’ve never done anything like this, I don’t have any experience, but… I’m curious.”

I’ll never forget the knowing look she gave me. She saw into my soul. She looked at me as if to say “Of course you’re curious!” 

I realised, in that moment, I was in a room full of women who had the courage - the audacity - to follow their curiosity. I had entered a secret club of women who were hungry enough to take hold of the biblical apple and take a big juicy bite.

Women who wanted to know.

Women who did know.

These women lived by different rules.

It took me another week to actually accept the job. See, I was never ‘supposed’ to be a stripper.

I grew up in a dedicated Catholic family. In high school, I became disillusioned by the church and pulled away, believing that God was far more loving than Catholicism allowed for, but let me tell you, that catholic shame holds tight! Though I’d left the church, its puritanical voice bellowed within me, like a stain I couldn’t scrub out.

Let me paint a picture for you: As a 4-year-old, I found delight in exploring the sensations of my body. I would hide in the closet with my friend playing ‘mothers and fathers’. As I grew older and ‘learned better’ I washed myself clean of such deviant behaviours. I felt sickened by my ‘shameful’ past and hoped to God no one would ever find out. Surely other people didn’t do that! I was certain I was abnormal.

By the time I was 18, I had buried my eros so deeply, I could no longer feel it. I honestly believed that girls didn’t masturbate and was shocked to hear a girlfriend declare otherwise.

Catholic church: 1, Caitlin: 0

Perhaps I’d always be a recovering Catholic.

I went into the strip club because I wanted to find out what was true for me. I’d been handed so many beliefs throughout my life and I wanted to see which ones I actually wanted to keep. Maybe I’d discover that ‘they’ were right. Maybe I’d discover that stripping didn’t feel good and that I wasn’t respecting my body - but I’d discover it for myself and I’d know for sure. I’d arrive at my own conclusions from a place of lived experience; a place of embodiment; not fear - not because someone told me I shouldn’t do it.

So I did the thing I was never supposed to do. I took my clothes off on stage and seduced willing men and women with the erotic fire that moved through me.

And… I loved it! I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to, but I did. That’s the simple truth.

When I got on that stage, I felt at home. 

I slithered around, swirled my hips and breathed life into everyone in the room with my every undulation. I felt the gift a woman gives to the world when she simply enjoys being in her body and allows people the honour of witnessing such a force of nature.

I learned so much about myself and society whilst stripping.

I realised how much shame is stored in the female body (especially around our reproductive system - the organs that grow and nurture our babies!) and how much magic is trapped underneath it, just aching to get out! I got to discover my truths around shame, sensuality, freedom of expression, respectability, boundaries, asking, receiving, giving, taking, relating and soooo much more.

I stripped back all of my conditioning until I was left with myself; my adorable, powerful self. 

I learned that the very thing I thought I had to protect - my purity - is untouchable and innate.

I didn’t make peace with my nature - I had a wildly passionate affair with my nature and I felt utterly divine. Alive. Free. Powerful. Sexy.

Then came time for my next initiation…

I had discovered my truth… but now I had to own it.

Born into privilege, I had not really been on the receiving end of much dismissal and judgement, but as a ‘sex worker’ society deemed me as ‘less than’ and that’s an incredibly powerful journey to walk in and of itself. One I am eternally grateful for.

When I told people I’d become a stripper, I saw confusion and concern in the eyes of some of the people I loved. They looked at me differently. It ripped my insides out to have family members look at me in disgust. I had never felt so unseen; so misunderstood and yet I had never been more sure of my truth and my innocence!

Tarred a ‘fallen woman’, my heart burst open, bleeding compassion for the human experience. And born of that too, a steadfast commitment to sisterhood, breathrenhood, and the eradication of shame.

I was told I’d bring shame upon my family. I was asked to be silent; to lie; to change. I knew I couldn’t. I knew in my bones how important it was to share what I’d learned.

To truly claim myself, I had to be willing to walk the path of the outcast. It brought me to my knees.

But, that was my initiation. I had to step out of appeasing Girl and into WOMAN.

I had to grow the fuck up. I had to take full responsibility for my life, my choices, my path and own myself.

Now, more than ever, I know and love who I am and I walk my path unapologetically. I have a fierce reverence and respect for my sacred and intelligent body - my womb, my reproductive system, my intuition, my desires, my expression, my boundaries and my glorious femininity.

Cleared of shame, all that’s left is love and freedom and a profound knowing of my worthiness and holiness. That’s what stripping did for me - it liberated me and anchored me deeper into the truth of myself.

Today, I help women around the world, tap into their innate feminine power as they move through their own unique journeys of rebirth and reclamation. Every single woman deserves to feel safe in her body, sovereign in her body, and sexy in her body. Not only that, but this world needs more women who own themselves fully!

I’m here to remind you of your sovereignty, your power and your magic. You came here to live a life that fills your body with ecstasy, brings you to your knees in gratitude, has you biting your lip in excitement and dancing in the streets because you feel turned on and lit up.

You came here for a life that inspires you. A life that is yours.

Your wild feminine has been forbidden for too long. Will you breathe life back into her?

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